Looking Back Tomorrow
Going 'Down' to Gran's

Whispering Light

There are constant connections between my lost girl and me--like the way I just started this post and immediately The Canadian Tenors began singing"Hallelujah" on The Emmy's as memorial clips are shown--there's Peter Falk, as "Columbo" --(Annie used to watch all the old episodes with me); the song was also played at her memorial service last year.
I find that moments such as those, that whisper light to me whenever I'm feeling lost in the dark, happen as reliably as the sun and moon rise. She finds a way to let me know it's all okay...and so much better for her now.
This September reflects what life has become for me after Annie's death 531 days ago: a delicate balance between sleeping and waking, laughing and crying, wanting and not wanting.
It is this month that the country re-lives the sad, sad falling of towers a decade ago...my loss will become decades old as well.
It is this month that my youngest child turned 18, months away from making her own new life. As happy as I was to plan her day, shop for surprises, watch her sisters dote on her even more, I'm just as broken that Annie isn't sharing it with us. But she is.
It is this month in this year that Annie would have been 26 years old. With help from her sisters and dad, I went to her birthday dinner, had mocha cake (as there was nothing Annie loved more than coffee!), and watched a Mickey Mouse balloon float silently skyward. Star light, star bright...
Three weeks ago, Annie's nephew and my first grandchild was born. And just like that...when I think I don't have the energy to read or write another word, I realize I can't get enough of looking at him, just seeing him whispers light and energy. Golden Holden...
What has become important is just--being...mad at traffic, glad to be smelling rain, tickled at the sight of my seven-pound dog chasing deer, frustrated about overdue paperwork, sad when I see dragonflies or Minnie's red-and-white polka-dot dress, happy when I see dragonflies or Minnie's red-and-white polka-dot dress...it's all the same. It's all good. She's still here.

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